Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
