I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
