I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
