Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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