I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
But break dance skills will only take you so far
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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