He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
