He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
