Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
