I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
