You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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