so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
