All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
