The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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