I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize