Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
