11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
