Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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