mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
