never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
