I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
