Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
