Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
