I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
