just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And then he peed in my hair
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