Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How naked do you want me to be?
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