There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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