so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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