I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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