If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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