What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
