Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
