my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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