this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
