I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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