omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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