There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
