I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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