1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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