Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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