I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
