i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
