I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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