your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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