Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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