I just cut my nipple shaving
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
