My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize