hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
