My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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