When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
