I just pynch a tree in the face
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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