Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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