What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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