you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize