Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
