Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
