After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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