i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
