I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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