I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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