dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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