God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
