Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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