nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
