I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
