I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
