in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
