why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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